Dealing with feelings of unintentional-rejection. The unintentionally-forgotten barren, childless, women.

Babies. Babies. Everywhere. Surrounded by babies! Precious babies! ….. None of them mine.

Mothers. Mothers. Everywhere. Surrounded by Mothers! Precious mothers! …… None of them me.

As far back as creation, most women have been mothers…..But not me.

Being a mother is precious, difficult, rewarding, demanding, joyous, exhausting, ….. and a privilege.

To all the mothers out there,

First off, I love you and cherish you. This letter is a bit raw, as my heart is still hurting.

Thank you for being a mother. Thank you for taking time to love your babies. Thank you for lovingly raising them to be the amazing adults you know they can be. Thank you for occasionally sharing them with those of us who do not have our own. The hug of a child melts even the hardest of hearts. Their smile can bring a glimmer of joy and sunshine into a dreary day. Their laughter can fill the air with an energy that may exhaust a mom, but energize those of us who do not have our own.

I love being an aunt. Whether by genetics, or by choice, I relish being the fun aunt. The aunt that hugs and plays and prays and spoils and teaches and doesn’t mind the messes. My Sunday is made complete when your little people run up to me with a huge smile on their faces, throw their arms around me, and joyously exclaim, “Lici!” Thank you, dear friends, for allowing me to love your little ones.

As much as I love cherishing your babies, I feel unintentionally-forgotten and rejected because I do not have my own. Remember, dear mothers, that there are many of us who cannot have children of our own, and adoption is not an option either. Many of us mourn this fact of our lives. Remember to see us for more than what we don’t have….children of our own. Remember that we want to be included too. Yes, some choose not to have children because they don’t really understand children. But there are those of us, who would love littles of our own to hug, to cry with, to have to get up a million times a night with, to raise, to celebrate with, to need to discipline, to need to clean up after…..

As a childless woman I feel invisible to you. Often the only time I feel visible is when something is needed of me. When I’m not needed, I’m tucked away into the recesses of a long-forgotten closet. The sad thing is that I know there are many others like me. We don’t fit. We are seen as not understanding. Maybe we can’t understand all of it, but you don’t understand all of our stuff either. Remember, we are women who need love and relationship just as much as you. Maybe even more since we don’t get our prescribed eight hugs per day. We’re sitting in our homes, our cubicles, our backyards….often by ourselves. Many of us are lonely.

I love my mom friends! You are precious and highly treasured.

Please forgive me for the hurt that is currently in my heart. I am, and we are, us childless women, ….

We are the invisible. The unintentionally-forgotten. The unintentionally rejected. We are The Barren.

Sincerely,

One Childless Woman

To my Childless Friends,

So what kinds of things do I remind myself of when once again I see I was not remembered, or maybe not wanted, by the people I so wish I was a part of, eh?

1 Peter 2:9, “But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people of his own, so that you may proclaim the virtues of the one who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (NET).

I may not have children, or be invited to visit with the moms, but God has called me to be part of His chosen people, He has given me the task of proclaiming His name among the nations, and He has invited me out of the darkness to join Him in the light.

Isaiah 49:15-16, “Can a woman forget her baby who nurses at her breast? Can she withhold compassion from the child she has borne? Even if mothers were to forget, I could never forget you! Look, I have inscribed your name on my palms; your walls are constantly before me” (NET).

I may not be remembered by the people I would like to be remembered by, but God will never forget me or reject me. My name is inscribed on His hand. I am ever before Him and He ever before me.

And…..Romans 8:1-2, 16-18; Psalm 27:10; Psalm 103:2-6; Deuteronomy 31:6; John 14:1-3; ……and especially Isaiah 54:1-17 (ESV).

54:1 “Sing, O barren one, who did not bear;

break forth into singing and cry aloud,

you who have not been in labor.

For the children of the desolate one will be more

than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord.

2     “Enlarge the place of your tent,

and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out;

do not hold back; lengthen your cords

and strengthen your stakes.

3     For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left,

and your offspring will possess the nations

and will people the desolate cities……

…..

13     All your children shall be taught by the Lord,

and great shall be the peace of your children.

………

^[1] The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2001). (Is 54:1–17). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

When my heart is hurting because I feel unintentionally forgotten and rejected, I remind myself of what God says instead of what my head says. I remember His words and not the words of this world. I turn to the truth of Scripture. I may not have biological children of my own and I may not be remembered by those who do, but God will give me spiritual children. He always accepts me. He remembers me.

I also remind myself that we all unintentionally hurt people. We let people down because we don’t know the things God knows. I am no different. I let people down, forget them, and unintentionally hurt them. For that, I apologize and seek your forgiveness.

So if you have children, remember those of us who are childless. Include us and love us. And, if you have no children to call your own, open your heart to loving other people’s children. God will give you spiritual children, …. if you let Him.

Stay encouraged, for God always remembers you, always loves you, always accepts you!

~Lici Joy, the coffee-guzzling-truth-telling-joy-finding-polka-dot-fanatic