When I was teenager my mum and dad got me a sign to put on my bedroom door that said, “Geniuses Thrive On Clutter.” As a teen, the clutter on my bedroom floor meant you couldn’t walk across it without either breaking something, slipping on something, or almost breaking yourself as you tried to trek from the door to the bed.

The thing is, the clutter wasn’t indicative of “genius” but of the “clutter” that was my thoughts and emotions. I was a bit of a hot mess emotionally after … well trauma that is simply part of my story.

Now when you see clutter in my house (hidden away in the office upstairs or the unfinished basement) it’s indicative of all the ideas, goals, projects and dreams that have gone unfulfilled. As a person with all these … chronic illnesses, trauma, and “disability” … I have lots of ideas that I need help implementing, lots of goals that I started to pursue until my body got in the way, tons of projects I started before I got too fatigued to finish them, and loads of dreams that may or may not ever come to fulfillment.

I’m learning to be okay with that but it involves a lot of grieving for what was and will never be again, what I thought would be and won’t ever come to fruition, and what I still dream of but will most likely have to rethink over and over and over again.

The grieving is somewhat mitigated by SOME of the clutter because it means that when my body is feeling a bit better I can once again pick up where I left off or start something I that’s been on my obnoxiously-long to-do list(s). SOME of the clutter, on the other hand, needs to go away because it’s merely a reminder of what will never be again — but it’s hard to get rid of because to some extent, it’s also a reminder of how kick ass I was and am.

Clutter(ed). It’s not just the office and the basement, it’s also how I feel inside. I feel a tad overwhelmed trying to determine what my body may allow me to do today AND if I do that today then will I be able to do anything tomorrow AND if I can’t do it tomorrow will it then simply be added to the clutter and the feeling of being clutter(ed) AND what of the clutter can I do something about to feel less cluttered AND AND AND …. eek! The what if’s are never ending!

So, as I sit here drinking my pot of coffee and contemplating the nature of my clutter, my never-ending to do list is taking shape in my head and the most pressing things to do are … finish my coffee, brush my teeth, go to physical therapy and contemplate what aspect of my clutter(ed) I may be able to tackle tomorrow if my body allows it. And then I think, maybe I should categorize the various aspects of my clutter(ed) according to the amount of energy it would take (physical, mental, or otherwise … I often lack all of those) and where the clutter is located (do I have to do the stairs or can I reluctantly stay on this couch to do it). And then I think, if I’m going to categorize my clutter(ed) according to energy level required I need to figure out what the various projects and goals are and whether they’re realistic or not. And then I think, I’m too tired to think about this right now, so I should finish my coffee first and contemplate my clutter(ed) afterward with a notebook, pen, and this handy computer at the ready.

And THEN I think, e’gads! my coffee is getting cold! So I finish typing this and upload it quickly, hoping it isn’t too cluttered for anyone who might hazard to read it.

Ouch, I need a new body!

Till next time,

Me