When I was teenager my mum and dad got me a sign to put on my bedroom door that said, “Geniuses Thrive On Clutter.” As a teen, the clutter on my bedroom floor meant you couldn’t walk across it without either breaking something, slipping on something, or almost breaking yourself as you tried to trek from the door to the bed.

The thing is, the clutter wasn’t indicative of “genius” but of the “clutter” that was my thoughts and emotions. I was a bit of a hot mess emotionally after … well trauma that is simply part of my story.

Now when you see clutter in my house (hidden away in the office upstairs or the unfinished basement) it’s indicative of all the ideas, goals, projects and dreams that have gone unfulfilled. As a person with all these … chronic illnesses, trauma, and “disability” … I have lots of ideas that I need help implementing, lots of goals that I started to pursue until my body got in the way, tons of projects I started before I got too fatigued to finish them, and loads of dreams that may or may not ever come to fulfillment.

I’m learning to be okay with that but it involves a lot of grieving for what was and will never be again, what I thought would be and won’t ever come to fruition, and what I still dream of but will most likely have to rethink over and over and over again.

The grieving is somewhat mitigated by SOME of the clutter because it means that when my body is feeling a bit better I can once again pick up where I left off or start something I that’s been on my obnoxiously-long to-do list(s). SOME of the clutter, on the other hand, needs to go away because it’s merely a reminder of what will never be again — but it’s hard to get rid of because to some extent, it’s also a reminder of how kick ass I was and am.

Clutter(ed). It’s not just the office and the basement, it’s also how I feel inside. I feel a tad overwhelmed trying to determine what my body may allow me to do today AND if I do that today then will I be able to do anything tomorrow AND if I can’t do it tomorrow will it then simply be added to the clutter and the feeling of being clutter(ed) AND what of the clutter can I do something about to feel less cluttered AND AND AND …. eek! The what if’s are never ending!

So, as I sit here drinking my pot of coffee and contemplating the nature of my clutter, my never-ending to do list is taking shape in my head and the most pressing things to do are … finish my coffee, brush my teeth, go to physical therapy and contemplate what aspect of my clutter(ed) I may be able to tackle tomorrow if my body allows it. And then I think, maybe I should categorize the various aspects of my clutter(ed) according to the amount of energy it would take (physical, mental, or otherwise … I often lack all of those) and where the clutter is located (do I have to do the stairs or can I reluctantly stay on this couch to do it). And then I think, if I’m going to categorize my clutter(ed) according to energy level required I need to figure out what the various projects and goals are and whether they’re realistic or not. And then I think, I’m too tired to think about this right now, so I should finish my coffee first and contemplate my clutter(ed) afterward with a notebook, pen, and this handy computer at the ready.

And THEN I think, e’gads! my coffee is getting cold! So I finish typing this and upload it quickly, hoping it isn’t too cluttered for anyone who might hazard to read it.

Ouch, I need a new body!

Till next time,




About licijoymanship

I'm a work in progress--much like this blog. So expect this "about me" to change as I do ;-) I'm an energetic person by nature living in a body that lacks energy. I'm a person of movement struggling with a body that fails to move in the ways I want it to. I'm a person who loves to be social who lives a fairly secluded life, quite reluctantly, on this couch. Living with chronic, incurable, and rare medical conditions can be discouraging and lonely. When we share our stories and listen to the stories of others, we gain valuable insights that can bring encouragement on the darkest days, ideas for new treatment options, and primarily, feel a little less alone in our struggles. My life isn't following my Plan A, my Plan B, my Plan C, or probably even my Plan X. But it's my life and I'm trying to live it the best I can while struggling with Chronic Intractable Migraine, Familial Hemiplegic Migraine, the effects of two posterior fossa decompression surgeries for my Chiari Malformation, Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, PTSD, (likely) EDS, (undiagnosed) Chronic Fatigue, widespread pain, and some other yet unknown issue that has left a "pocket" in the artery that runs by my pituitary gland. It's lonely, discouraging, difficult, and the only way I get through it is with a good sense of humor, the practice of living thankfully, the ability to connect with other people, and the fur-babies who keep me getting out of bed one day at a time. Of great encouragement of course, is my loving, understanding, and patient husband. I'm the girl who loves to write and yet fails to do so for long periods of time. I intend to update this blog at least once a week, but with this failing body who knows if I'll be able to stick with it. And yes, I am a woman of deep faith, so if you stick with me here you may occasionally come across some of my thoughts on Scriptural topics, so feel free to skip those if you choose. My faith has helped to form my character and is part of who I am, but it's not the only thing in my life that people can relate to and find encouragement from. Just sayin'.

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